Seattle: Kitchen staff at a local bar were disturbed at 4:32am on September 1st when a woman clad only in a T-shirt and panties burst in screaming and grabbing several bottles of liquor before dashing once again into the night. "It was all such a blur. This crazy lady with really long, wild hair and insanity in her eyes ran right through the kitchen and into the bar. She was yelling something, but over our radio all I could make out was 'two extra stitches,' 'yarn... too... short...' and something that sounded like 'no sleep'. Joe here thought she looked sort of like that gal who lives upstairs," reported dishwasher Sam. It is still unclear as to why the employees were still around listening to the radio at top volume over two hours after closing. Inspection of the woman's apartment revealed a scene that filled this reporter with shock, revulsion, and pity. A recently sent email explained that the resident had been suffering from severe insomnia and had been working on formerly put-off tedious bits of knitting. The charred remains of a sweater on the desk displayed 64 out of 67 stitches painstakingly grafted before the victim's yarn came up short. And the coup de grace, though wear patterns suggest repeated recounting, the top piece appeared to have two more stitches than the bottom. "From what the neighbors heard, it seems she reached the end of this piece after hours of late night work, realized the two gigantic problems, and just lost it. We believe this is the point she set fire to all of her yarn and flushed all her darning needles down the toilet," related Office Johnson of SPD. When asked about the woman he added, "We've sent patrol cars to all the yarn shops in town, but we just got a call about someone huddled with a huge bottle of gin against the Fremont Troll trying to convince it to lend her the VW bug so she could get to Mississippi where no one knits or needs sweaters."

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